Well, a few thoughts about a new google blogger blogspot managment page that is new to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am using the wrong version or I am in a developer section or something. Its hard to preview the blog and it was hard to find the management page when I logged in. Less people use the damn thing so it gets all revamped. How many borderline users goes the team lose? who cares. Product functionality is grown.

Cant deal. Perhaps before my previous post we cog reviews back on the paper. There were only two of them, and they were mixed. Big Bird and I interpret that to mean they were good, apart from a sticky question from Reviewer one. The sticky question is a huge one, and we cant do it. So Bossman writes the editor to tell him so. Fun for me was writing that email for him, having him ravage it, and then toning it down a tad. New experience at least. Word back is the editor is cool with not answering that question. Which reminds me I should see if I can see the editors reply. If I dont drop out first. Im sick of working there, Im sick of my bosses actions. I supervised an undergraduate thesis, which was a big mistake. Too much of a time sink. Last minute affair of writing and presenting something which appears to be over the kids head. I was well warned about this too; the last undergrad thesis was a crash and burn which was not defended. The two before that were worked on heavily by post-docs. So the boss calls me on my phone for the first time from home and tells me Im out of line on some situation, which I had been pretty up front with him about. He wanted, supposedly, to be told more about what was going on. Woops. Someone else bore more responsibility to do so at least. So I apologize on the phone and explain. Then I cant fall asleep for hours and write the boss to say this is not right, unacceptable. He igonores this the next day, as Im "editing" the undergrad thesis due at works close. So I email again to say I want a response. Unfortunately for me I made a critical mistake, saying Im going to need X from you in my original email. Boss does nothing he is told to do halfways on principle. Not going to take orders he told me once when I said I wouldnt work with a lying shmuck of a post doc back in the day. So he writes back to say we can talk about it in person when he returns from travel, but no more email. So I cant stop thinking about it. Stress of work drove me to therepy last summer, mainly because my friends and family made me go. things got better, then things got worse, and I saw a new therapist. It bored the shit out of me, helping only slightly, so I stopped again. I think all day and night now about telling the boss Im done. I could go to the hospital, I know several people who have. Im not actually delusional though and Im not actually going to hurt myself. So thats silly. Its an ego thing. Maybe I dont know what ego is. I want to stand up to him, and want satisfaction on that before I go back to work. Tough noogies I think is the bottom line. Take a couple days off and distract yourself. Or call him at his house that he was ignorant enough to call me from the other night. Stay cool honeybunny, stay cool. I dont want to work with him if he cant see that his actions where wrong and worth apologizing for. Im not 100% on that which is why Im writing.

Can Do.

Given

I have suffered greatly by failing to put things out there. Propose and support and promote ideas or experiments or plans or visualizations of the future. Thats a notion i want to put out there. Just a squeak. Who is this guy can somebody tell me. Im very good or was at least at telling other people how to improve things. Its likely no one listens so I havent had too much chance for failure.

Why is it so hard to surround myself with people with whom I can speak freely about science.

This haircut looks fucking retarded. Although I have been dressing better lately and its helped, Im still a shlub who cant get out of bed on time and shave. The worst part is how tired my eyes look all the time. Tired eyes not smiling. Im waiting for reviews.

People look at me and say, why are you still here. Im not ready to find a new job. I havent gottent his job done. You never get the job done some say. some jobs get done though. Nice things appear when you look hard enough. Its been along slog but Im still in a position to reap returns. Thats the fact. So once again, make a plan.

does one simply start moving on

I have postponed soft graduation dates twice now. The first paper reviews are due soon. any minute now. From this vantage point they are hardly as important as I used to think they are. Things happened that I would like to write about. But they would each take greater examination. Briefly however, the synopsis is that I stalled until the boss suggested various figures from my labmeeting. Things Ive been showing forever. Obviously they are figures, but which figures. I was frozen, still not proposing things for myself. Im full of ideas, but years of being beaten down by the boss, and as well by myself, even back in college, resulted in me being unable to propose finally a real professional product. Taking things way too seriously to produces a scewing draft.

Seriously. Make a draft. Make the figures and then write the results about them. Then make the legends. Not sure how? go look at 5 papers you would never read in the journal you want to send it too. Intangibles include years of seeing where papers in your field go. Deciding that the project has turned from exploratory to finalizing. make a goddamned outline of the goals. Use outline format. write the ideas down. Later reconsider them. tighten them, move them around.

Im still shocked at the state of affairs. I have high tech skills that nobody wants to pay much for. Im not actually on the job market yet myself, but I have gotten the gist of it. Why is research so expensive? Is this a question of why is research not more productive for society and thus worth more to be paid for? No its worth plenty, people know it and then compete for the winnings. The winners get paid too much? Possibly.

For the moment

The lesson that is most clear is that the boss is going to act crazy and you cant take it personally. Its been said before. Its been said in different ways. Its been thought about. For some reason it had to be explicitly discussed that I have a problem taking him seriously. I take him too seriously in particular with regard to me thinking that he is angry with me. As though it was reasonable to react the way I had been even if he was mad. There is no point.

Im failing specifically at picking whats most important to do next. I dont know. I have to pick something and do it though, and there has to be serious limits to what I will consider doing. The boss cannot set these limits. He is to be worked off of and to be holding discussions on what we do. But seriously. The past year has shown two papers sent and totally dropped.

Things have moved slowly and rebalancing is upon me. Thats encouraging. We have all been writing papers forever though and my classmates have graduated. Thats discouraging. But I have a solid support network, my health and a roof over my head. And thats encouraging. Its worth saying that at times, since I last recorded some thoughts here, that I have been deep in the discontent of indicision.

Proposal is that it is as simple as rest time and go time. If you are not going well, you rest and plan. I have had unknown amounts of experiments in process and in development for so long, I am maxed out. I need to reset and decide what is most important to do right now and then move on to the next thing, with rests in between.

My Job

My job in the next week is to come up with the best story I possibly can to sell the boss when he gets back from vacation. I have to get over the fact that I want an apology from him for acting so much like a cunt after I did labmeeting quite recently. There will be a torrent of hatred.

There is no reason there will be a torrent of hatred unless I invite one from him by being resentful. We have a situation where people cannot communicate. People are pissed, I am one of the people and if I can stop being pissed then we only have one person pissed. I can stop him from being pissed by telling him a lovely story. There is still time to tell that story.

There is still time to develop that story. I have felt quite under pressure from ten days out thinking that there is too much to do for that story.
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In some respect I had quite a moment this evening when I thought that I had inadvertently sent an invite or notification to the boss via the google+ network. I sort of wish that I had, but its a better lesson than a reality.

My job is to come up with a great story. I have a good gene, now whats the sexiest angle I can some up with for the sell. Right now. I will read all the papers referring to the gene. Get it? There is a week left. That is a paradox. The government pays the salaries for medical residents here? That is a paradox. They work so many hours. But so do I. Is there really competition for these jobs? Yes.