What is your problem

There are lots of people in the lab. We all adopt some characteristics of our mentor, and hopefully half of them will turn out to be helpful in the long run. He is a premier asshole, tho slightly softened by time. I dont want to talk to any of my lab mates. I am in a mood, and this could be called a personality disorder by the evergrowing dsm, or this could be simply called being a hardcase. I yelped at my deskmate today for incessantly singing. I made the mistake of putting up with the singing for several months now in the new building, with the new interpersonal configuration. I figured he and this tech would eventually get busy and stop singing. We are in the music filled side of the lab. Today however was the primer design deadline. Many mistakes can be made in primer design. It doesnt help to plan a cloning strategy with a primer design deadline. Nonetheless I made the mistake of rudely asking him to stop for half hour. Things are smoothed over, but what next?

This is passive aggression, letting something go for a while and then coming back at people hard. It is a weak move, and dishonorable. Later, I find myself actually tolerating one of the more obnoxious post docs in her lair, where we spend little time. She is very up front about what she thinks, which is generally strangely far off from what I think is reasonable, but she has some good points. She said I never look happy, so what would I like to do. I said I wouldnt rather be in another lab here at school. I got into only one school in my ROI, so we agreed that life is hard with few options. She is gearing up for a second round of job apps now. I tried the play that the boss doesnt like my ideas, work. She countered that it makes no difference, you have to work on your thesis and make it something that you are interested in, that you would want to show your parents, your girlfriend and everybody else. I said I need some better ideas and she laughed that I just need to work harder. She works about 100hrs and is not a breeder. Out of my league.

But she is right. I have long ago run out from the cover of the tent of the boss. It is called sink or swim land and I have been treading water for at least 9 months now. So to swim I will have to structure this business and stop bitching about my position here. I am a burnout, right now I am sure of that. So I need rest, and I need a plan. I think with some of that I can reclaim the desire to go to work and find some results. I sure hope so.